I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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