Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
