We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
