What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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