kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
