I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
