I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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