Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
