we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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