someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
