He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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