I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
