I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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