Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
BRING THE BAGELS
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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