He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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