That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
