Just fell off a train. Bad.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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