I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
