Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
