Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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