you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
