If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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