He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
