You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
