i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
