So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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