I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
