We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
