grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it penis luge time yet?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
