We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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