So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
