Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
