3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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