When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
