We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
