I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
