every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I didn't notice because vodka
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
