im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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