how do flat chested girls get laid?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
