I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
