I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
