Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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