Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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