He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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