life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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