People in love make me want to vomit
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
