I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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