Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
