I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
