The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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