we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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