sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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