apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
